#and somehow despite dying the past semester (and getting my first non-A grade)

[jaggedwolf]

The 2016(*) Queer Recs List

 Thought I’d just throw up a list of the works  I’ve consumed this past year that had queer themes/characters and I thought were decent to awesome. Includes 1 work from 2015 because that’s how I roll. Probably will be dominated by queer women because biases, man.

* Read: As in consumed in 2016, not necessarily produced then.

Games

Birdland : Interactive text fiction, more than a game I would say. The protagonist, Bridget, is a very anxious 14 year old at summer camp. Somehow made me nostalgic for summer camp despite never attending such a thing, the bird dreams made me so gleeful in their ridiculousness, and I really like mechanics for keeping track of your various statistics (Guile, Melancholy, etc.) Still has replay value even though there aren’t different endings, imo. Has a prequel and a very short sequel. 

Undertale: A really fun game that gets meta on the notion of RPG’s, with a very lovable cast of characters to boot. Somehow is ridiculously meme-y without making reference to actual memes. I care about all the characters, but I particularly appreciate the presence of Alphys, the nerdy queer scientist lizard that she is. The main game combat mechanic is bullet hell, fyi.

We Know The Devil: Visual Novel where you follow three teenagers at a vaguely-religious camp, only in this world God sends messages through sirens and sometimes you’re the Devil. The main mechanic is that every hour, you get to choose which two characters do something together (fix a siren, find a charm, etc), and so, which character is left out. Haunting, with excellent background choices and pretty ending visuals. I finished run-throughs of all endings in 2.2 hours or so.

TV Shows

Wynonna Earp: Feels a little like a successor to Buffy. Plot isn’t very rigorous but it hits so many of my narrative ids that I don’t even care - tight sibling relationships, fucked up childhood dynamics following people to the present, dorky gay female character. I am not irritated by either of the main male characters which is an Achievement for television most of the time.

Supergirl: I mean, do you want to see a golden retreiver puppy of an alien beat up bad guys? Her protective older sister realising very late how gay she is? A superhero show with heart? Then watch Supergirl. Something I recently realised I appreciate about the show is how distinct Supergirl’s relationship to Krypton is from Superman’s. Clark landed on Earth a baby - he never knew what he lost. Kara landed on Earth a 13-year old - she knows she is going to be the last person to remember what Krypton is like, and for all her joy, you can see that knowledge in her too. 

Steven Universe: What an extraordinarily kind show, which isn’t what I expected from it tbh. I went in expecting a smol child and his gay alien space rock moms, and in return I got a cast of characters flawed in a variety of damaging ways and show letting them improve themselves. Also some A+ loyalty kink re: all of Pearl’s Rose issues.

Movies

Big Eden: Honestly, this was just a sweet, slow movie. A love triangle between three dudes that isn’t really a love triangle, just people unsure how/if to make space for others in their lives.

The Way He Looks: A very cute Portuguese film about a blind teenage boy trying to get more independence from his protective parents, and along the way getting a crush on the new guy at school. 

Books - Nonfiction

Alan Turing: The Enigma by Andrew Hodges: Really awesome biography that covers the entirety of Turing’s life, going into all the little details that made the man who he is. I loved that it wasn’t afraid to go a little in depth into the actual math Turing was working on. The book is very clearly the better for being a book about a gay English mathematician that is written by another gay English mathematician. 

Fic

...tbh do I read fic that isn’t gay in some way?? Have recs scraped from my bookmarks anyway.

Steven Universe

The Birds and the Battlefields by DrJekyl: Literally just Pearl explaining to Mystery Girl how extraordinarily fucked the Crystal Gems are re:the Homeworld situations, but holy fuck what a good Pearl PoV - nervous and trying to change old habits even as she’s terrified of it.

Haikyuu 

OUT! by TheHaruWhoCanRead : Oikawa comes out as gay in a magazine, changing the course of closeted Yamaguchi’s first year at Karasuno. The author makes it very clear that it's a Western take on coming out using Haikyuu characters as a vehicle, and thus not representative of gay life in Japan - with that caveat, I can say this is my favourite Haikyuu longfic I've read. The way it weaves Yamaguchi's and Oikawa's narratives in with canon, how it handles the Karasuno team and managing to create a believable OC worthy of the main character all should be praised. Also, excellent Yamaguchi narrative voice, I think a few paragraphs in I was already here for it.   

[scrambledthoughtz]

fed up w/ quarantine & other thoughts

been feeling really fucking fed up with myself recently. every time i feel like complaining about this quarantine or shelter-in-place, i feel like a stuck-up asshole and i just remember that TikTok that's like "Kim, there are literally people dying." i understand that i'm in a huge position of privilege given the circumstances because my family and i can afford to stock up on food, toilet paper, and cleaning agents. i know that we are lucky to even have the chance to complain about the fact that we are stuck at home -- reading, sleeping, catching up on lectures, painting, or whatever other activites people have picked up during this quarantine. i know that there are people out there (like doctors, nurses, mail men, grocery store workers, Uber drivers and more) who are working their asses off to make sure that we are able to maintain at least some degree of normalcy despite the chaos that we have all been thrown into. and massive props to them -- i really can't even begin to express my gratitude for those who are still working hard at their jobs while the rest of us get to stay at home. so trust me when i say i know. i know i shouldn't really even be complaining because in the grand scheme of things, i am lucky. my family is lucky. many of us are lucky. but with all that being said, i'm not going to deny the fact that these extended periods of time spent cooped up inside has taken a bit of a toll. i've been so fed up with myself recently for a number of reasons. first, it has been SO hard to focus at home. i'm not used to being inside for so long, or not having the option to go somewhere else to study when my room proves itself to be a massive distraction. it's not like i don't have anything to do. i do. i had midterms last week, and finals this week. but despite this, i've found it so difficult to focus and to commit to sitting down and actually put effort into my schoolwork. i'm the type of person who hates turning something in when i know i haven't put my best effort into. sometimes it is what it is, but especially with my bigger assignments (like this 10-page research paper i have due at the end of this week), i would absolutely hate to turn in something that i'm not at least decently proud of. and i've always been this way. i always tell people the story of when i fell asleep the night before my country report was due, and i woke up to it being finished, thanks for my mom to took over and finished up my project while i had temporarily passed out on the floor next to the computer. in the end, i got an A, but i was still upset because i felt like i didn't deserve the grade that i had gotten. it was my mom's A, not my own. since then, i've mellowed down a little. i've grown to understand that i can't put my 100% into everything, but i still hate turning in something that i'm not proud of. but i just can't find the willpower to sit down and freaking type out this paper. i don't even know why. actually, maybe i do. a few weeks ago, i went to an academic coaching appointment at Foothill, and i told the coach that i may have an perfectionist instict where i drag out assignments because i know that they're going to take a lot of effort and brainpower and i don't want to churn out anything sub-par. it's a worthy revelation, but it doesn't do me any good if i don't work on it. now, i'm not a perfect (or even a stellar) student by any stretch of the imagination, but i don't think i really realized how much of my identity is tied with school and my education. without that structure and constant push, i feel genuinely lost. it's like, "what now?" what am i working towards? if i have too much time on my hands, i'm almost always itching for that empty space to be filled with schoolwork, or any type of productive activity. it's not like i LOVE school or anything, but i also don't hate it. and actually, nowadays, i really miss it. i miss my instructors. i miss my classmates. i miss sitting in a classroom and participating in-person. i'm honestly kind of sick of talking with people over the phone, text, email, or FaceTime. i miss the physical face-to-face connection. i miss my workplace. i miss it a lot. i miss my supervisors, my co-workers, and the ridiculous conversations we'd have during the night shifts. i miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are streaming out of my eyes. i've been spending an obscene amount of time on social media, and it's been more toxic, time-consuming, and draining than anything. i've uninstalled and reinstalled Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok countless times over the past week. i honestly lost count of the number of times that i uninstalled one of those apps in a brief moment of determination and productivity, and then reinstalled in a prolonged period of boredom. my sister has been so productive these past few days, and i envy her focus. i'm starting to develop an irrational resentment towards her. she is able to focus for long periods of time, she has the willpower to not snack out of boredom, and she has somehow developed impressive upper body-strength. she goes on daily runs, and she is able to manufacture structure for herself in an otherwise long, uneventful day. the days are beginning to blend together, and i've told myself that i wouldn't let myself succumb to boredom. i try to keep myself busy. i downloaded an audiobook that i listen to in the morning and while i'm walking my dog. it's a charming book, something that i wouldn't be able to get through if i was physically reading it myself. it's called "The Rosie Project." i see so many people rediscovered hobbies and talents, learning how to cook, finally getting to that "stack of books that they've been meaning to get to", creating their own home workouts, and i feel so much guilt. i feel so much guilt that i've been sitting on my ass all day, complaining. not doing much except for refreshing each of my social media apps, hoping for new posts to scroll through. i know that there are things that i should be doing, but i just can't. i know that i should learn to cook because i am going to be moving out soon. i know that i should take this opportunity to work out more often. i know that i've been looking for more time to read, and this extra time has cropped up. i know, i know, i know. i'm beginning to develop familiar resentment towards my friend, who keeps on sending me frightening statistics. stop getting your anxiety all over me. i know that the amount of coronavirus cases in the Santa Clara county has tripled in the past week. i know that the president is shutting down borders and banning international (and even domestic) travel. i know that we are basically trapped. i know that a "shelter-in-place" directive is one of the most serious directives out there, and that it should not be taken lightly. i know that we need to work on flattening the curve, and that we are barely even there. i know that school is probably cancelled for the rest of the semester and that it'll take place virtually, even though the shelter-in-place is only supposed to last until April 7. i know that it'll be extended because the spread of this virus has shown no signs of slowing down. i know that, despite what the media tells us, the elderly are not the only ones who are susceptible. wash your hands, wear a face-mask when you go out, wear gloves, don't touch your face or your mouth. social distancing is the legal mandate. stay 6 feet away. no social gatherings. stay at home, stay at home, stay at home. don't go to the beach and party it up like a fucking idiot. all non-essential businesses shut down. no one knows how long this is going to last. the death toll keeps increasing. our governor may even shut down beaches because ppl aren't taking the shelter-in-place mandate seriously enough. it's crazy, it's uncertain. thankfully my professors have been so understanding, so kind, and so generous. my Ethics professor made our final option (although i'm still going to take it because i have a fucking B in the class right now -- another story for another time). my research methods professor has extended our paper deadline three times, and she sends out announcements reminding us to take care of ourselves. i know that it's a difficult time, but i can't help but feel guilty. yes, it's a difficult time for everyone involved, but surely more so for others? i'm just sitting at home complaining and eating chips. this doesn't apply to me? i don't deserve an extension on anything because i'm not doing anything anyways. it's not like i have anything else to do except my assignments, and i'm still not doing them. i feel like a lazy piece of shit who is just going to take advantage of these extensions to procrastinate even more than i already am. sure, it's lonely at times and i've only really talked in-person with my family for more than a week. but i didn't do anything to deserve this. the real support and recognition should go to those on the frontlines -- the doctors, nurses, infectious disease experts, and so on. props even to my dad, who is a dentist. i'm just sitting at home, having the luxury of doing nothing, having my meals made for me, while my professors are frantically working behind the scenes to make sure we still get our education. i don't deserve this. it always boils down to this, and i'm not sure why. a lingering feeling of guilt or "un-deserved-ness".